Camp DeMamp

Goodbye, Tumblr

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 16:50:05 -0800

Well, it’s over. We’re about to leave to fly back to the States, and neither Ders nor I hooked up. It’s a tie.

We were going to give each other control of the other’s tumblr for 3 weeks, but that seemed pointless. Blake correctly pointed out, the only right way to end this bet is for both of us to abandon our tumblr’s. Neither of us won, so both of us lost.

For those of you who depended on me for workout advice, stay with it.

For those of you who depended on me for relationship advice, make out music, and general words about the opposite sex, it’s time you went out on your own. Stay with it.

Finally, to the DeMamp Campers who’ve come to be like family, because I never see you in person and all you do is judge me, stay with it most of all. And also with you.

I leave you with this final thing to remember—

You can flex a lot of muscle, but if there’s no camera? It’s up to you to enjoy it.

Good Luck Ders...

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 12:20:05 -0800

…with your massage.

See, I called the front desk and asked if their massage girls gave “Happy Endings”. When they hung up right away, I of course knew the answer was NO.

So I told Ders I was going down there at 1, and I’d be up 1-0 by 1:31 (half hour massage). Then I went to the bathroom to “freshen up”.

Ders then played right into my trap when he called for the 12:00 PM open slot I knew they had. He’ll probably get arrested for and thrown in Hedonism II jail for what he offers to that poor, unprepared masseuse.

Leaving all of the girls that may fly in today ready to feel the DeMamp sting. Bzzzz!

Current Score -

Adam - 0
Ders- 0

Feelin' Horny

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 10:37:36 -0800

Sorry to sound like such a scumbag. It’s just that I’m feeling very sexual and I’m fairly certain I’m gonna hit a home run today (a sexual home run). I really hope I’m giving off a sexual dynamo vibe and not a desperate creep vibe. That’s my only concern.

Scoreboard Update

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 19:20:05 -0800

Adam - 0

Ders - 0

Still haven’t gone all the way (or even part of the way) with any babes yet. Not really worried thought, still got another day.

I think the ginseng might be giving me a heart murmur though. Might have to stop taking it.

As I beat Ders and pump my way to victory (and control of...

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 15:00:06 -0800

As I beat Ders and pump my way to victory (and control of “THE DERS REPORT”), I want just the right song to be playing. One that gives me a reminder that I’m beating Ders, but also that I’m blowing the mind of one lucky lady using sex dynamite.

Whitesnake’s “Here I Come Again” is like it was written just for this. The again part is like it covers multiple victories, which I’ll be scoring.

It was definitely worth taking the afternoon to find the right song. Now? I’m about to head to the poolside bar and change anywhere from 4 to 12 young lady’s lives.

Might even show ‘em my Whitesnake. Thanks to Blake for letting me use his laptop now and collection of condoms later.

A Friendly Wager

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 12:35:06 -0800

Ders and I are pretty competitive and just because we’re on vacation doesn’t mean we’re not going to compete over something. As such, we’ve made a little wager that whoever bags more babes here at Hedonism II gets to take over the other person’s Tumblr account for a period of up to 3 weeks.

The ginseng I took this morning is kicking in, so Ders pretty much has no chance. I have big plans for “The Ders Report.” Big, humiliating (for Ders) plans.

Sexual Ginseng

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:56:05 -0800

Bought some ginseng which I plan on using A LOT of while I’m at Hedonism II. Ginseng increases your energy, sexual stamina, treats erectile dysfunction (not that I need it for that reason) and it’s one hell of an aphrodisiac. So, watch out Hedonism II ladies because once Adam “Kill Zone” DeMamp gets all hopped up on ginseng then no one’s safe. (Actually everyone will be safe, I just meant it in the “sexual” sense as in I’ll just be more of a sex god than usual).

-Future Adam

All thoughts to spending Thanksgiving with my family aside,...

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 14:16:14 -0800

All thoughts to spending Thanksgiving with my family aside, pretty fucking pumped for Hedonism II instead. You can only hear ole’ Dad DeMamp tell you the story about that year he won the free turkey at work before you see the end coming. Don’t get me started on Aunt Sarah’s beef with the VFW.

Since I’m writing this in the past, I bet by now we’re all packed up and having a relaxing 3-beer early dinner before we head to the clearport.

Ders will give us some made-up stat about flying, Blake’ll have a funny story about the last time he flew, and I’ll of course be hydrating for my planned membership drive into the Mile High Club.

A gentleman can never tell if he hasn’t done it yet, so it’s safe to say the girl I hook up with on the flight to Hedonism II is a real slut. Seat backs UP, tray table DOWN.

-FUTURE ADAM

FUTURE ADAM

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 09:41:05 -0800

Just figured out I can set up posts for the tumblr ahead of time, so that I can bring you plenty of DeMamp Wisdom even though I’ll be wracking up the frequent flier miles and drinking cocktails by the barrel in Hedonism II, and not hunched over a laptop making it rain knowledge on you.

Or wisdom, depends on the forecast.

-FUTURE ADAM (means I wrote this in the past, but like, the far away past, not the time between hitting “Post” and it going up)

Went to the hardware store to pick up a lemonade and I saw Melissa’s dad there buying lumber...

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 19:43:09 -0800

Went to the hardware store to pick up a lemonade and I saw Melissa’s dad there buying lumber and building supplies. He pretended not to notice me, but I specifically went into the check out line right behind him and told him that I was glad that my marriage pact with his daughter didn’t work out because I ended falling in love with someone else. Then I made Ders drive by his truck in the parking lot and I flipped him off while he was loading everything into his truck.

I would still marry his daughter if the opportunity presented itself.

Gonna Join The Mile High Club

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 17:17:00 -0800

Got a big Thanksgiving trip with the guys coming up and it’s pretty much going to be the most depraved, wild, debaucherous, sexy Thanksgiving of all time. It’s a scientific fact that people are just way hornier around the holidays and I plan to cash in on this spirit of horniness by getting it on in the airplane bathroom. Might be a little tricky to do this post 9-11, so I might have to play it by ear, but as of now I plan on joining the mile high club.

Looks just like 99% of the TelAmeriCorp office right now,...

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 14:34:49 -0800

Looks just like 99% of the TelAmeriCorp office right now, waiting to see Alice’s car pull out of the parking lot.

Behold... THE DeMAMP-WICH

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 18:20:05 -0800

It’s finally here—

To make the official sandwich of Adam DeMamp, combine these ingredients in classic sandwich formation—

Texas Toast (or in a pinch, any bread toasted and sliced as big as Texas)
Prosciutto (handful)
Provolone Cheese (to taste)
Pulled Pork (as available)
Pickled Spicy Peppers (four P’s that please)
Spicy Brown Mustard

There it is. No veggies clogging the way. No lettuce filling the arteries. Just the meat and potatoes (NOTE: no potatoes are in the sandwich) of an All American Meal.

The sandwich built for a DeMampwich. They’ll serve it on trays at my funeral. Maybe they’ll do the same at your funeral, or the funeral of a close friend.

I think this is just the type of food that’ll change the world. That is, until I announce DeMampwich II.

It's a Wrap

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 15:41:33 -0800

Calling it. Only one full day of work left before Thanksgiving (office is closed Wednesday), so I’m officially checking out.

I’ve been stockpiling dummy numbers for the last few weeks, people I know to be not home, not answering, or not in service and I’ll be dialing one of those every 5-10 minutes as I space out and mentally prepare for our big trip. This is starting tomorrow, today I’m just going to do laps from the cubicle to the break room and back.

No one’s really working that had anyway, Jet Set’s been working on a rubix cube for the last 3 hours and Gerald’s been in the bathroom since lunch.

Today’s more about getting us a nice pre-Thanksgiving paycheck than making sales, anyway.

Holiday Weight Gain

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 11:05:05 -0800

Every year around the holidays I enter a pretty significant chubbing phase and I sometimes can’t enjoy Thanksgiving or Christmas because I’m worried about how much weight I’m gaining. This year I’m allowing myself to gain 40lbs between Thanksgiving and the first week of January. This way I won’t be stressing out about how much I’m eating or drinking and instead I’ll pretty much just let myself go until work starts again and I’ll just hit the P90X (three a days) until I’m back down to a respectable weight.

Definitely gonna pack a few pairs of sweatpants and my fat jeans for when I go home. Also gonna try to feel less shame about eating an entire pie (which I usually do every Christmas).

laughingsquid: Eat, Fry, Love: William Shatner’s Turkey Fryer...

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 13:51:05 -0800

laughingsquid:

Eat, Fry, Love: William Shatner’s Turkey Fryer Cautionary Tale PSA

Shat my Shat Shats.

I Thought the Law; Law Won

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 16:56:20 -0800

Decided against being a lawyer, I just don’t think that world is ready for my dynamic speaking style and how hard I’d crush law school. There’s only one important thing here, and it’s this—

Lady law is a fickle bitch who must be shown justice. She can’t see it because of a tragic accident that robbed her of her sight. She doesn’t need another suit monkey feeding her briefs; she needs an avenger taking her fight into his own well-sculpted hands.

This is my calling; righting wrongs on my own time, one at a time, be it through this tumblr, through a well-meaning pool hustle, or even a dispute over who had next on the bench press.

I’m right to think I can help the world, but was wrong to think I had to train myself to fight in a courtroom when I can just fight wherever the fight needs me.

You don’t need to take any LSAT’s to roll up your sleeves and get dirty.

Got a reply from one of the law schools. Turns out you have to take a test called the LSAT before...

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 12:52:06 -0800

Got a reply from one of the law schools. Turns out you have to take a test called the LSAT before you can get in anywhere. Gonna head over to Barnes & Noble and pick up a study guide. Might as well give it a shot at this point.

Got Drunk And Applied To Law School

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 10:42:05 -0800

Had a few last night and I guess I went online and applied to some law schools. I woke up and saw all these confirmation emails in my inbox. Not sure what prompted me to do that, but I guess I’ll wait and see if I get into any of the schools. Maybe I’ll quit TelAmeriCorp and become a lawyer. Bet I’d be good at it.

This song is a Jamaican sprinting hard on for the ladies....

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 17:32:06 -0800

This song is a Jamaican sprinting hard on for the ladies. Something about big man’s voice, it’s like the Pied Piper of wanting to grind hips. They should play it in clubs more, be a nice change of pace from all that fast R&B from-behind action to a little mishin’ anniversary slow ride. Sometimes eye contact is sexy.

If you’re having trouble rounding third on a lady friend, slide this puppy in the 6th position of your sex music doghouse. If she doesn’t roll over by song 7, send her to the pound and let some other dude rescue her. She’s untrainable.

Ladies, you can use it on your man, too. He’s got ears. Fill them with sex talk, and he’ll listen.