Just figured out I can set up posts for the tumblr ahead of time, so that I can bring you plenty of DeMamp Wisdom even though I’ll be wracking up the frequent flier miles and drinking cocktails by the barrel in Hedonism II, and not hunched over a laptop making it rain knowledge on you.
Or wisdom, depends on the forecast.
-FUTURE ADAM (means I wrote this in the past, but like, the far away past, not the time between hitting “Post” and it going up)
Gonna Join The Mile High Club
Got a big Thanksgiving trip with the guys coming up and it’s pretty much going to be the most depraved, wild, debaucherous, sexy Thanksgiving of all time. It’s a scientific fact that people are just way hornier around the holidays and I plan to cash in on this spirit of horniness by getting it on in the airplane bathroom. Might be a little tricky to do this post 9-11, so I might have to play it by ear, but as of now I plan on joining the mile high club.
Looks just like 99% of the TelAmeriCorp office right now, waiting to see Alice’s car pull out of the parking lot.
Behold… THE DeMAMP-WICH
It’s finally here—
To make the official sandwich of Adam DeMamp, combine these ingredients in classic sandwich formation—
- Texas Toast (or in a pinch, any bread toasted and sliced as big as Texas)
- Prosciutto (handful)
- Provolone Cheese (to taste)
- Pulled Pork (as available)
- Pickled Spicy Peppers (four P’s that please)
- Spicy Brown Mustard
There it is. No veggies clogging the way. No lettuce filling the arteries. Just the meat and potatoes (NOTE: no potatoes are in the sandwich) of an All American Meal.
The sandwich built for a DeMampwich. They’ll serve it on trays at my funeral. Maybe they’ll do the same at your funeral, or the funeral of a close friend.
I think this is just the type of food that’ll change the world. That is, until I announce DeMampwich II.
It’s a Wrap
Calling it. Only one full day of work left before Thanksgiving (office is closed Wednesday), so I’m officially checking out.
I’ve been stockpiling dummy numbers for the last few weeks, people I know to be not home, not answering, or not in service and I’ll be dialing one of those every 5-10 minutes as I space out and mentally prepare for our big trip. This is starting tomorrow, today I’m just going to do laps from the cubicle to the break room and back.
No one’s really working that had anyway, Jet Set’s been working on a rubix cube for the last 3 hours and Gerald’s been in the bathroom since lunch.
Today’s more about getting us a nice pre-Thanksgiving paycheck than making sales, anyway.
Holiday Weight Gain
Every year around the holidays I enter a pretty significant chubbing phase and I sometimes can’t enjoy Thanksgiving or Christmas because I’m worried about how much weight I’m gaining. This year I’m allowing myself to gain 40lbs between Thanksgiving and the first week of January. This way I won’t be stressing out about how much I’m eating or drinking and instead I’ll pretty much just let myself go until work starts again and I’ll just hit the P90X (three a days) until I’m back down to a respectable weight.
Definitely gonna pack a few pairs of sweatpants and my fat jeans for when I go home. Also gonna try to feel less shame about eating an entire pie (which I usually do every Christmas).