Blake just ruined my week. Lit my surplus of cash on fire like that clown in the Batman movie.
He just handed me a crayon-written invoice for my end of the cable bill… FOR THE LAST 3 MONTHS!
I think I should be able to skate on, since it’s in Blake’s name and he didn’t invoice me in the not-required-but-polite 30 days out. I was going to stick to my guns and not pay him, but Blake threatened to delete all my Celebrity Rehabs, and I gotta know if Michael Lohan makes it out OK.
Plus, he gets the classic wrestling channel, which I don’t watch nearly as much as him, so that should count for a discount. I’m going to start keeping track of my usage, hit him back when the billables come.
You guys that have roommates, am I wrong on this?
Either way my surround sound, flat-screen, my dope slogan shirts, and that new car are going to have to wait at least another month.
I’ve always been a firm believer in the separation of church and state.
I always thought it was church and steak. I mean, you never eat steak in church, at least not where my parents took me to services. Checks out.
You might wanna confirm that one, Ders, less you look like a fool.
Hmm, gonna have to side with Blake on this one, Ders.
Rest easy, the car purchase won’t mean I’m not still ordering the shirts, just going to sleep on it as far as design goes.
Since I’m stacking paper pretty high at the moment, I’m thinking of treating myself to this beast:
The owner’s asking $13k for this baby, so I’m obviously gonna have to negotiate him WAY down, but I can be pretty persuasive, so I’m not worried. As soon as my license gets re - instated I’ll be cruising around the RC like a real boss. Probably gonna go on itunes and make a Trans Am playlist so I have songs ready to go.
Ripping the Trunk off The Horse?
Punching the Elephant?
I like where you’re playing the sport, but I don’t love the game. Collaborations are never as good as solo outings, just ask Mick Jagger.
That’s the way I’m leaning. Horse Punching seems like more of a slogan, where as Elephant De-trunking might be something terrorists are doing in Africa, and that’s not cool if they’re doing it, not just saying it.
Gonna spend some of my surplus on a baker’s dozen of tees from a printing house, hand ‘em out to the VIP’s around the office/gym.
What should I get printed on a custom-made t-shirt?
RIPPIN’ THE TRUNK OFF THE ELEPHANT SINCE 2011
PUNCHING THE HORSE (front)/DAY IN & DAY OUT (back)
Checked my bank statement for August, and turns out Papa DeMamp is UP. Like, the 3 bills-range up.
Somethin’ bout to get straight BOUGHT. Thinking maybe surround sound for my room, or a flatscreen to put above my bed. Hey, why not both?
OHHH, MAYBE a sweet new ride Daddy could have all to his own? Can’t drive it yet, but I can wash it in the driveway on Saturdays with my shirt off, and that’s gonna get the ladies AND the car all kinds of wet.
Have you guys seen this? The Olympics are happening again next summer. Seems like the Beijing Olympics just happened, but it turns out it was almost 4 years ago. Time flies, I guess.
Need a new voicemail for my cell phone. Been rocking the “It’s Adam, you knew that, who you, BEEP!” then the actual beep for six months now, and I get more hang-ups than anything else.
Thinking about going to a classic song instead, maybe me doing the Monday Night Football theme, since it’s that time of season.
Blake said I should get someone famous to do it, and we did see Dan Ackroyd at a gas station near our house once, so I bet if I stacked it out one Saturday afternoon I could get somebody good.
But Ders said that might be annoying, with people always hanging up because they think they got Dan Ackroyd’s cell by mistake, you gotta rep your own brand, he went on for a while and I tuned out.
I’d be better off doing my own Dan Ackroyd impression, when you get down to it, then announcing it’s me at the end. Problem solved. Thanks, guys.
Ders said no, and then the other shoe is I scratched the OC DVD leaving it in my pillowcase overnight, so my day is RUINED, right?
WRONG! I’m gonna do as they say and make 50 proof lemonade outta this lemon situation, lie in the pool, get some sun, and take some much-deserved ME TIME.
I’m gonna catch some rays, but I’ll catch YOU later.
Just woke up, needed that recovery after my OC all-nighter Thursday. Feelin’ good.
Ders and Blake thought stealing the OC Season One case out of my room would mean they got to watch it, or keep it from me, but I kept the last disc safe and sound in my pillow case last night, so I still control when I watch the last eps. Which is NOW!
Well, pretty hungry, so I’ll probably see if Ders wants to run over to some form of take-out establishment, he usually does what I tell him if I ask in such a way.
AND I’M NOT A LUKE, I’M SO A RYAN. I’M MORE RYAN ATWOOD THAN BENJ MCCELLNEY EVER WAS!
YOU PEOPLE DON’T EVEN KNOW ME!
YOU RUINED THE OC FOR YOURSELF.
Ders and Blake,
I don’t care that you guys banned me from watching The OC with you guys because I already watched all the episodes anyway. Have fun adhering to Ders’ stupid TV watching schedule and good luck preventing me from telling you what happens in future episodes.
Here are some highlights:
- Marissa OD’s on pills and tequila in Mexico
- The Cohen family adopts Ryan
- Summer starts to like Seth, but she has to compete with Anna (a new girl at school who also likes him)
- Marissa’s parents get divorced after Jimmy loses all their money
I’m also on the verge of passing out from exhaustion, so I’m pretty much too tired to care about this right now.
Totally exhausted right now. I really wish I had more self control and that I hadn’t stayed up all night watching The OC. Ders and Blake are really pissed at me and they’ve been giving me the silent treatment all day which really sucks, since I really want to talk about the show with them.
What sucks even more is that I only slept for 2 hours. My internal clock is way off. My head feels like it’s full of hot air and I can’t focus on anything for more than 5 minutes. It really sucks. My body is really achy and I barely have the strength to move. This is like 1000 times worse than when I was so starving on Monday.
All I want to do is lie in bed and watch whatever’s left of The OC. Insomnia sucks.
Blake, the first part of this confession goes to you.
When you woke me up this morning, and my laptop had “The OC” DVD menu playing? It wasn’t because I re-watched the 2 episodes we agreed to watch together.
It’s because I watched as many episodes as I could, on my own, before I passed out. I don’t think I finished, because the last episode I remember didn’t have that “finale” feel, but I got deep into it. It was amazing.
Ders, the next part of the confession is dedicated to you.
I don’t regret it. “The OC” is a landmark work of fiction that NO PERSON should have to stick by a schedule to. You can’t tame Ryan Atwood, good luck to anyone who tries.
Even if I don’t regret, I do know it was wrong to jump ahead; that’s why I promise not to give anything away when we resume watching episodes per Ders’ stupid schedule. And HEY— when we get to wherever I passed out, it’ll be new to me again and we’ll all get to ride the wave from Season 1 —> Season 2 TOGETHER. As a FAMILY. Like the Cohens, after Ryan came into their lives and they got cool.
To recap, you guys are the Cohens, sticking to your schedule and rules and being society’s perfect little family, and I’m Ryan, the outsider who lives by the rules he makes on the streets. Be a leader, not a follower, guys.
That’s why Ryan Atwood Would Do. WWRAD, 4 life. I’m sure you guys will understand once you’ve seen what I’ve seen.
And you were right, Blake, Marissa IS kind of a bitch.
Jillian overheard me talking to the guys about The OC and now she keeps asking me if she can watch it with us. I don’t want to be rude and say no, but this is kind of supposed to be our thing - just the guys. Also, I suspect that Jillian will kind of ruin the whole experience because she tends to talk a lot whenever we watch stuff (I can still remember what a nightmare it was when we went to see Cowboys & Aliens).
Furthermore, Jillian keeps going on and on about Peter Gallagher and what a hunk he is. It’s Sandy Cohen this and Sandy Cohen that. She even told us about the episode where he sings to Kirsten on their anniversary (thanks for ruining that, by the way). We get it, he’s smokin’ hot and an awesome dad. I shouldn’t have mentioned anything to her.
Mission to Best Buy to get THE OC: SEASON 1 was a success. We ended up not watching any eps last night, since we came across this gem in the bargain bin—
We figured that it would enhance our viewing experience of THE OC if we had some background on the area itself, so watching ORANGE COUNTY seemed like a slam dunk.
Turns out most of the movie takes place at Stamford, but in the end the performances of Jack Black and the criminally underrated Colin Hanks made it all worth it. Well worth the $7.99 for the standard def disc.
But when we get home tonight?
WELCOME TO THE OC, BITCHES!!!!!
Gonna keep it simple this week. DO BETTER.
You know you’ve been cheating. You know who you’ve been cheating? YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get to the gym, RIGHT NOW. Drop what you’re doing, it’s an excused absence from whatever BS you’re doing to get fatter, and WORK. WORK until you can’t WORK anymore, then WORK HARDER.
WORK! DO IT! You fat losers, chugging your non-diet sodas and grabbing cookies two at a time, you think doing 8 shoulder shrugs a set instead of 10 is going to burn the calories? GUESS WHAT? THEY WON’T!
Don’t let me find you like this again. For both our sakes.
24 REASONS WE SHOULD WATCH THE AWESOME TV SHOW 24:
(We would start on Season 5, which I haven’t seen yet, so we’ll live through it together)
- Action-packed Jack attacks
- Adrenaline pumping action
- Events happen in REAL TIME
- Heavy USA slant (providing chanting opportunities)
- He’s an everyman
- Cool car moves we can practice and/or copy (helpful when we’re late for work!!!)
- Something for everyone
- Hot chicks in peril
- JACK BAUER (he should count on here like 7 times at least)
- Each ep is an hour in real time, meaning Power Hour option for EVERY episode
- Other drinking game options- drink when Jack kills somebody, someone gets killed, someone almost gets killed, when they show the clock, or if Jack yells (separate from a kill-count situation)
- Learn real-life hostage negotiation tactics
- Learn real-life tricks for escaping a held-captive scenario
- Learn real-life ways to clear a room
- Wardrobe ideas for looking official as FUCK
- JACK BAUER!!!
- Get a look inside the political process
- Did I mention hot chicks in peril?
- Jack’s a dad, and has to rescue his daughter (NO SPOILERS), which could prove to be skills we need in the future if we also have daughters
- Inspired the movie TAKEN (know Blake’s a fan)
- I can be Jack; Ders can be the President; Blake can be the evil terrorist dude for at-home role play
- JACK BAUER!!!
- It’s my pick and I feel like you guys haven’t been listening to me a lot lately, and it hurts that you don’t respect my opinion and I feel you dismiss me as soon as I open my mouth sometimes… this would help with all that. Thanks for listening.
I don’t know what shows you’re referring to, Ders. But I do know that someone who watches Dawson’s Creek definitely doesn’t get to make fun of anyone, ever, for anything TV related. Just to further prove my point, I have listed my five favorite TV shows here:
- 24 (seasons 1 - 4)
- Ice Road Truckers
- Sons of Anarchy
- HawthoRNe (gritty as hell)
I might be willing to re - watch season 2 of Sons of Anarchy with you so you can get a sense of what a real TV show is (assuming you’re not busy watching Hellcats or something).
Everyone’s chatting it up about some earthquake just now, but I didn’t feel NOTHING. More like the earth FELT ME. PA-POW.
The earthquake was in DC, Adam. As in, the other side of the U.S.A.— and last time I checked, I found you sleeping at the foot of my bed when we felt that aftershock in Rancho Cuc country, so don’t go puffing your chest out too far.
To be fair to Adam, that was the night we saw Pirana 3D, so we were all a little jumpy.
That’s right, Blake, and also, I was really drunk, so I could have run screaming into ANYONE’S ROOM, Ders!
Everyone’s chatting it up about some earthquake just now, but I didn’t feel NOTHING. More like the earth FELT ME. PA-POW.
Permission to get real, guys. I messed up. I had two bowemeath meals yesterday, which at the time were good, but this morning on the scale did not feel that way.
It’s the closing weeks of beach season, and I chubbing phased myself out of my optimal cutness supreme.
I’m free-writing this to get back into fighting shape, and I think I know what will help— if I put this picture up as a reminder, I’ll know I’m about to break out of the chubbing phase. About to go out and get after it. Rip the trunk off the elephant again, after going trunk-less in the last 24 hours.
The Situation is his own ordeal, but you can’t deny his ab game. Hold up…
… just did 30 pushups. Feeling it. I wouldn’t want to be the kettle bells tonight, they got a BEATING COMING!
FUCK I’m PUMPED for DINNER tonight. Whoa, big caps, sorry. And for the cursing, because I’m F-ing excited and when I get f-ing excited I say fuck a lot. FUCK… well, whatever, I was pumped for lunch, it was good, now I want to fireman’s carry those feelings into an amazing dinner experience.
Thinking maybe a Triple King from Fat Burger.
Or I could get a hand in a party sub from Supermart.
Swing over to Blake Bear for some wings. TO GO.
FULTON VALLEY COMMUNITY COLLEGE I’m gonna destroy dinner tonight. Why am I so pumped? Maybe I shouldn’t have taken that meeting with “Karl Smoking…tonfieldberg”. Karl Smokingtonfieldberg in the parking lot with an hour to go at work. Are my eyes red? Shnit.
Lunch is still an hour away and I am so hungry that I’m getting light headed and dizzy. I am literally delirious with hunger. I really need to carbo load today. Thinking I might just hit up the deli down the street and get their Italian combo (salame, capicola, ham, peppers and cheese). Probably going to add a chicken breast and possibly roast beef. I might just do a party sub at this point, I’m so hungry. Gonna sneak some of Ders’ beef jerky so I don’t pass out.
Havin’ a few cold ones and watching Braveheart. Pretty perfect Sunday night.
One more beer, what’s the worst that could happen?
One more shot while I’m at it…
OMG you’re RIGHT! And what if she reads this, too?
Well, she’ll know I’m thinking about her. Alice, if you’re reading this? Blink once during our conversation, I’ll know you know. Ya know?
Two for 7 tomorrow at Maxwell’s (like Blake suggested), easily cancelled an hour out if no word comes through.
I’m going to go casually stroll by Alice’s office in 10, see if she blinks.
Ders and Blake hug-crying over here. Get a room, am I right?!?!
I just overheard Alice say the words Tumblr and Adam in the span of a half hour and that can only mean one of three things:
- she finally summoned the courage to ask me out
- she wants me to use my tumblr to announce that we’re dating
- she wants me to use my tumblr to help TelAmeriCorp in some capacity (not as exciting, but still OK)
I swear to god I have never been more excited about anything. Just have to play it cool until she comes over to ask me. Can’t look like a chump.
Gonna make dinner reservations for tomorrow night though, just in case she does ask me out.
Totally making a frozen pizza right now. Gonna be so good.
Think I’ll watch one of the Die Hards, not sure which one yet- probably pick by the number of pepperoni slices on my first piece.
As long as you know “intense” means you’ll still lose, we can battle anytime. Actually, let’s not, I know I’m the best, and knowing is half the battle.
I still can’t get that seeing eye dog out of my head. He’s so brave, so special, and I’m just sitting here thinking I’m lucky to be able to see for myself. I missed the biggest point of all— I’m lucky that I’m NOT A DOG.
Being a human is so much better than dog life. I think being a dog has it’s plusses, but I couldn’t eat at nice restaurants, go to the gym, or walk on my hind legs if I wasn’t the species I am.
Hell, the only Panda Express I’d get to mange on would be stuff people dropped, or worse, dumpster Panda. Maybe my master would throw me a few orange chicken pieces if I was a good dog, which I would be, but still, he’s gotta be full first. He paid for it, it’s his right.
Dogs. They know they don’t have it as good as us. But today? I realized it, too. Be thankful, guys.
Yesterday we went to the Panda Express in the mall for lunch and while we were walking around I saw a guy training a seeing eye dog. At first I was excited because you rarely see dogs in malls, but the more I thought about it the more I realized how much I take seeing things for granted.
Just this morning Waymond tripped and fell and luckily I was able to see the whole thing. However, if I were blind that wouldn’t have been possible. I guess I just want to use this as an opportunity to express how thankful I am for the fact that I’m not blind.
Sure, I like to pretend I’m a one man army in the gym, leading my muscle soldiers in the war against Evil Lord Pudge. But sometimes, you need another General by your side to help your army when it’s struggling on skull crushers.
Ders’ post about Montez got quite a reaction around the office, so Jet Set asked me if I could use my incredibly popular Tumblr page to help him out. Jet Set’s a pretty cool dude, so I agreed. Turns out he’s looking to sell his car. Here’s some info you might want to know about it:
It’s a 1986 Chrysler LeBaron Town and Country Convertible
2.5 Liter, 96 horsepower 4 cylinder engine.
3 speed automatic transmission
247,000 original miles.
Recently passed smog.
I’ve driven to lunch with Jet Set a few times and I can assure you that this is one sweet ride. It’s a convertible, which is clutch and you don’t see too many others like this on the road. It’s definitely like 20 times better than Ders’ car, so I suggested Ders buy it, but he just shook his head at me and told me I didn’t know anything about cars, which is insane.
Anyway, Jet Set originally wanted to ask for $2,700, But that seemed pretty low to me so I’m putting $12,000 as the asking price.
Contact me for further details.
Any more epic, and James Cameron would shoot it in 3D after working on it for 10 years.
And it’s less “what”, than “how”, as in, “How are my muscles gonna survive this seige?”
But you stick to the plan? You’ll be ripping the trunk of the elephant in no time.
No one buys into your fancy words hiding the fact that you want to host a big time good time at our abood. A rose, by any other name, would be as raging, Ders.
Remember this guy?
This guy just wanted to ride in that Escalade and go nuts. He wanted to rip the trunk off the elephant for SURE. He didn’t care about “interactive experiences” or “decorations” or “sober ride vans”.
You know what HE would want our signature drink to be? Whatever was available. I’ve seen that guy drink cough syrup and Popov vodka, and ask for seconds. Then he drank it. That trip to the hospital was one of my favorite days with you, bud. Where’s THAT guy at?
This is a party, Ders. A PARTY. If you’re so wrapped up in themes, maybe that IS our theme———> a PARTY PARTY.
Let’s go to the liquor store on the way home, check what’s on sale, then swing by the hardware depo for a new trash can to mix Party Punch (the old one has rats in it). Huh? Doesn’t that sound good? I think it does. Let’s do it. For all times sake.
Your Party Brother,