November 2011
95 posts
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Goodbye, Tumblr
Well, it’s over. We’re about to leave to fly back to the States, and neither Ders nor I hooked up. It’s a tie.
We were going to give each other control of the other’s tumblr for 3 weeks, but that seemed pointless. Blake correctly pointed out, the only right way to end this bet is for both of us to abandon our tumblr’s. Neither of us won, so both of us lost.
For...
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Good Luck Ders...
…with your massage.
See, I called the front desk and asked if their massage girls gave “Happy Endings”. When they hung up right away, I of course knew the answer was NO.
So I told Ders I was going down there at 1, and I’d be up 1-0 by 1:31 (half hour massage). Then I went to the bathroom to “freshen up”. Ders then played right into my trap when he called...
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Feelin' Horny
Sorry to sound like such a scumbag. It’s just that I’m feeling very sexual and I’m fairly certain I’m gonna hit a home run today (a sexual home run). I really hope I’m giving off a sexual dynamo vibe and not a desperate creep vibe. That’s my only concern.
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Scoreboard Update
Adam - 0
Ders - 0
Still haven’t gone all the way (or even part of the way) with any babes yet. Not really worried thought, still got another day.
I think the ginseng might be giving me a heart murmur though. Might have to stop taking it.
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A Friendly Wager
Ders and I are pretty competitive and just because we’re on vacation doesn’t mean we’re not going to compete over something. As such, we’ve made a little wager that whoever bags more babes here at Hedonism II gets to take over the other person’s Tumblr account for a period of up to 3 weeks.
The ginseng I took this morning is kicking in, so Ders pretty much has no...
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Sexual Ginseng
Bought some ginseng which I plan on using A LOT of while I’m at Hedonism II. Ginseng increases your energy, sexual stamina, treats erectile dysfunction (not that I need it for that reason) and it’s one hell of an aphrodisiac. So, watch out Hedonism II ladies because once Adam “Kill Zone” DeMamp gets all hopped up on ginseng then no one’s safe. (Actually everyone will...
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FUTURE ADAM
Just figured out I can set up posts for the tumblr ahead of time, so that I can bring you plenty of DeMamp Wisdom even though I’ll be wracking up the frequent flier miles and drinking cocktails by the barrel in Hedonism II, and not hunched over a laptop making it rain knowledge on you.
Or wisdom, depends on the forecast.
-FUTURE ADAM (means I wrote this in the past, but like, the far...
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Went to the hardware store to pick up a lemonade and I saw Melissa’s dad there buying lumber and building supplies. He pretended not to notice me, but I specifically went into the check out line right behind him and told him that I was glad that my marriage pact with his daughter didn’t work out because I ended falling in love with someone else. Then I made Ders drive by his truck in...
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Gonna Join The Mile High Club
Got a big Thanksgiving trip with the guys coming up and it’s pretty much going to be the most depraved, wild, debaucherous, sexy Thanksgiving of all time. It’s a scientific fact that people are just way hornier around the holidays and I plan to cash in on this spirit of horniness by getting it on in the airplane bathroom. Might be a little tricky to do this post 9-11, so I might have...
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Behold... THE DeMAMP-WICH
It’s finally here—
To make the official sandwich of Adam DeMamp, combine these ingredients in classic sandwich formation—
Texas Toast (or in a pinch, any bread toasted and sliced as big as Texas)
Prosciutto (handful)
Provolone Cheese (to taste)
Pulled Pork (as available)
Pickled Spicy Peppers (four P’s that please)
Spicy Brown Mustard
There it is. No veggies...
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It's a Wrap
Calling it. Only one full day of work left before Thanksgiving (office is closed Wednesday), so I’m officially checking out.
I’ve been stockpiling dummy numbers for the last few weeks, people I know to be not home, not answering, or not in service and I’ll be dialing one of those every 5-10 minutes as I space out and mentally prepare for our big trip. This is starting...
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Holiday Weight Gain
Every year around the holidays I enter a pretty significant chubbing phase and I sometimes can’t enjoy Thanksgiving or Christmas because I’m worried about how much weight I’m gaining. This year I’m allowing myself to gain 40lbs between Thanksgiving and the first week of January. This way I won’t be stressing out about how much I’m eating or drinking and instead...
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I Thought the Law; Law Won
Decided against being a lawyer, I just don’t think that world is ready for my dynamic speaking style and how hard I’d crush law school. There’s only one important thing here, and it’s this—
Lady law is a fickle bitch who must be shown justice. She can’t see it because of a tragic accident that robbed her of her sight. She doesn’t need another suit...
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Got a reply from one of the law schools. Turns out you have to take a test called the LSAT before you can get in anywhere. Gonna head over to Barnes & Noble and pick up a study guide. Might as well give it a shot at this point.
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Got Drunk And Applied To Law School
Had a few last night and I guess I went online and applied to some law schools. I woke up and saw all these confirmation emails in my inbox. Not sure what prompted me to do that, but I guess I’ll wait and see if I get into any of the schools. Maybe I’ll quit TelAmeriCorp and become a lawyer. Bet I’d be good at it.
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“Here’s a free lesson…”
– This is the new thing I’m saying to people when it’s clear they don’t know what they’re doing. Makes them feel good, because I’m not only showing them how to do it right, but I’m not charging them for my services, either.
‘Here’s a Free Lesson’...
paigeinflorida asked: Focus, Adam. Fuck the Philly. What's up with the DeManpwich? I've been waiting with bated breath over here. Thought I'd change it up and serve this for Thanks/friendsgiving. How about a booze recommendation to go with it?
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They’re building a statue in the park across the street from City Hall and I’m a little upset about it. The subject of the statue is some Supreme Court justice that nobody’s ever heard of.
If I were in charge I would build a statue of Arnold Schwarzenegger from Kindergarten Cop. Basically you’re honoring a former governor, an elite bodybuilder, a great actor, and a great...
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Just called my mom to let her know I won’t be home for Thanksgiving. Had to break it to her that I wouldn’t be making my (Ocean Spray brand) famous cranberry sauce. I expected her to cry, but she didn’t really seem all that bummed out. I think she probably just didn’t want me to know how sad she was. Either way, it’s gonna be a pretty lame Thanksgiving at my house...
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Rachel Update
Made Ders drive by the Red Box on the way home to see if Rachel had circled back yet, no sign of her.
Turns out those sirens were for a big pile up 2 streets over, but no dead bodies I saw, so Rachel’s still out there. Hope the universe paths our crosses again soon, I can’t wait forever.
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Heart Raped
Jogged out for a pack of smokes during my coffee break (thinking about smoking a few times a day, get a nice mid-day rush and maybe talk to Alice about the breeze) and you WILL NOT BELIEVE who was at the gas station.
Rachel. My ex. Haven’t seen her since we tear gassed her at Karl’s wedding, or it may have been at a dinner we had at Spaghetti Factory, I can’t pinpoint the last...
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“I don’t drink tea, because I have respect for myself, and my country, in...”
– -Adam DeMamp, truth-sayer, 2011.
This was in response to Jillian coming hard at me for pouring her tea out in the break room after she told me to “keep an eye on it”. Did her a favor, I think.
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Another Band I Wish I'd Joined
The #2 band I wish I’d been a part of is David Lee Roth’s solo group (post Van Halen). Seems like Van Halen just fought all the time and everyone hated each other. Obviously I would have joined them if they asked me, but if I had a choice I would rather have played in and toured with David Lee Roth (pictured below, mid - jump):
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Wish I'd Been A Member Of Lynyrd Skynyrd
There are a few bands that I wish I’d been a part of. One of those bands is mid to late 70’s Lynyrd Skynyrd (pictured below):
In addition to rocking really god damn hard, these guys wrote some of the greatest rock ballads of all time. They also partied really, really hard. These are the reasons I wish I had been a member of Lynyrd Skynyrd.
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midnightsunbeams asked: reallly? giving up on the cowboy so quickly .. if i wasnt so wasted i would defend it. (just so you know i auto corrected the shit out of this post)
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Why Aren't There Any Bald Male Models?
TV and magazines are setting unrealistic beauty standards for today’s man. I think GQ, Vogue and Vanity Fair have a responsibility to portray men the way they really look. A lot of women use the phrase “real women have curves” to illustrate how the models in magazines don’t look like regular women. Well, I’m coining my own phrase, “real men have thinning...
Just scratched on the break, lost the $100. Tried to tell Mr. Pool Universe over there we didn’t play that way in my Granddad’s basement, but he wouldn’t have it.
Telling Ders we’re leaving now before it gets ugly, I feel wronged.
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The Life Guard - 0-1
Just lost my first competitive pool match, but I wasn’t even trying hard, so I think I got this guy right where I want him.
He tried to be a cool guy and brought his own stick, well chief, consider the $20 I just lost to you an investment on the $100 I’m about to win back.
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This Cowboy's Hanging up his Spurs
Never being a cowboy again, it was windy and my hat blew off before we even got in the bar, and then a van ran over it.
Then they didn’t have the Black Cherry whiskey, just regular stuff, and I puked after my 3rd drink, which I think is more because all I had for dinner was a can of cold beans.
Gonna watch The Cowboy Way and waive goodbye to that lifestyle, it’s for a different class...
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Cowboy Out
Turns out the saloon doors bar closed down because of some health violations, but I’m still rocking tonight like the Old West was Fun.
Got a cowboy hat, an attitude, and a palate ready to accept whiskey only. Ders said he wouldn’t let me in the car if I wore it, but I’m ready to be like that guy in Justified and stare him down till I get what I want.
Hope they have that Red...
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Had I Been A Cowboy
I would have painted my horse like the one pictured below:
Seems like cowboys earned a lot of cred based on the quality of the horse they rode. I would have distinguished my horse, and also made us a more intimidating duo, by painting it in a cool way.
I can only imagine how awesome it would have been to ride into a new town atop my painted horse. People would have freaked out.
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Cowboy Up
Part of my cowboy research has been watching a lot of movies, and it seems like all they served in cowboy bars (AKA “saloons”) is whiskey.
I like whiskey as much as the next non-cowboy, but I’m not sure I could drink it exclusively. I like a nice round of 40 hands, a cold beer after a good mid-week coffee break, maybe some boxed wine on a date.
Plus, ripping shots non-stop...
cybernetictigerswag-deactivated asked: how much can you bench
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I Want To Be A Cowboy
Are there any dudes out there who are cooler or more badass than cowboys? I can’t think of any. It is for this very reason that I want to become a cowboy. For one thing, cowboys get to spend a ton of time outdoors in nature (on the ranch, or on a cattle drive), they ride horses, they wear cowboy hats AND boots and girls totally dig cowboys.
Some might argue that the life of a cowboy is...
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Just To Clarify
I would NOT want to be in the parade because I died. Obviously there will be a parade (or several) thrown in my honor when I die, but the parade I mentioned earlier would involve me being ALIVE (and possibly on a float, in a convertible or on a horse).
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Pool Shark Nicknames
Last week I said I’d call myself “Rancho DeMamp” when I became a pool shark, but the name hasn’t grown on me like I’d hoped. If I’m going to get it tattooed across my knuckles, it’s got to be forever.
Here are some other ones I’m messing with:
Adam “The Pool Shark” DeMamp
Adam “The Lifeguard” DeMamp (runs pool)
Pool Jaws
...
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In A Perfect World...
I would NEVER actually do this, but if I could hypothetically appear on a porn site, it would definitely be vipcrew.com (or its sister site - inthevip.com). This is the site where dudes go to nightclubs or other cool locations with tons of hot babes and then end up having sex.
Furthermore, they get to hang out in Miami with Kimbo Slice - who seems like a cool dude. Therefore, based on the...
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