November 2011
95 posts
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Afternoon Trick or Treat
Just ducked out of the office for a half hour and went trick or treating at the houses near TelAmeriCorp. Didn’t exactly crush it. I think most people were probably still at work and the people who were home were all old and I don’t even think they knew it was Halloween.
On the plus side, I met a major babe and I sort of thought it would turn into more than just her giving me candy,...
October 2011
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Candy Test
Something I do every Halloween is test my neighbors by seeing what kind of candy they’re giving out. This is a good indication of what kind of people you live amongst. For instance, if your neighbor gives out Kit Kat bars then you know he’s a cool dude. However, if your neighbor gives out raisins then you know you can’t trust him and that he’s a weirdo.
A while back, Ders...
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FUDGE!
Costume store was picked CLEAN of Captain America and Thor costumes. Gonna have to bust out Austin Powers again, unless I can find that giant steak costume somewhere soon.
Should of just made the ketchup today and gone to the Farmer’s Market.
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Halloween Plans
Been busy this week, but it’s never too late to put together the best costume you’ve ever seen. Got it down to 3 options.
1) Captain America. FUCK YEAH. For the U-S-A chants secondarily, firstly because I look like him before he even needed the Super Soldier Serum. Not that I look gangly as fuck, or like Ben Button during the year he would be an old little kid, but because my...
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Jet Set Has Diarrhea
This might seem unimportant to you, but the reason I feel the need to tell everyone is because Jet Set is blaming his diarrhea on Ders’ ketchup. Other people are coming forward and saying it made them sick, too. Even though Ders and I made peace I still look at this as a small victory - at least Chef DeMamp’s Gourmet Ketchup didn’t make anyone sick.
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Squashed The Beef
That’s a fancy way of saying that Ders and I made up. Ders made burgers last night, we had a few beers and we realized that our feud would really tear the house apart if it got any worse. Ders even acknowledged that my ketchup was his favorite, which really meant a lot (I obviously agree with him as my ketchup is objectively the better ketchup). Sometimes he can be a pretty cool guy.
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Crushed
Turns out I only sold 1 bottle of Chef DeMamp’s Gourmet Ketchup (to Jillian - who also bought 2 bottles of Ders’ stupid ketchup). I’m pretty furious right now. I know that my ketchup is the superior ketchup, but I will concede that Ders had a better sales pitch (only because Alice came and told me to go back to my desk while I was in the middle of mine).
I’m not going to...
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Confident
I’m going to absolutely fucking dominate Ders in Ketchup sales today. Already planning to invest my profits back into the company and make more ketchup. Like a boss (or anyone with good business sense). Fuck Ders.
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Fuck you, Ders.
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Hiya Ders, It’s Paula. The queen of Southern cuisine. Let me start by saying that I read your Tumblr blog and it’s really stupid. You seem like a real boring asshole. From what I’ve read it sounds like you are a pretty terrible chef and you have no future in the culinary arts. Adam’s Tumblr, on the other hand, is hysterical. I love his fresh take on current events and reading all his valiant...
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Think you’re the only one with access to ketchup mavens, Ders? Then take a look at this letter I just signed for, for you— My Dearest Anders (pronounced And-ers, burn),
Hey-ho, Ronald McDonald, writing you from my desk at the circus. Yes, the walking, talking mascot of the McDonald’s empire is writing you personally to say; I’ve tasted your ketchup (or “catsup”, whatever that is) and...
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Oh my, look what I found on Ders’ desk. It’s a letter from Warren Buffett. Hmmm, wonder what it says… Hello Anders, Warren Buffet here. I pretty much run things in the business world here in America. You know who I am and I don’t care about you, so no introductions necessary. I built my fortune by making smart investments, being able to anticipate changes in the financial sector and...
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Ketchup Wars: Adam v. Ders
(Adam v Ders - I am Stallone in this scenario and Ders is the fat bald guy)
Ders, after what you did to me I have no choice, but to formally declare war on you (like a gentleman). I am going to dominate you and your shitty ketchup. That’s all.
May the best man (me, you are a piece of shit) win.
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Ketchup Fiasco
We got the labels back from the print shop and I am not happy. In fact, I’m furious.
As it turns out Ders didn’t do what he was supposed to (surprise, surprise). After I fell asleep he tinkered with my recipe and turned it into some unrecognizable batch of toxic swill.
I’m not kidding.
I know this because there are twelve bottles of Chef DeMamp’s Gourmet Ketchup on the...
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Dolphins Regular's Tip: Avoid Weekends
Tried establishing my own table, “Adam’s Wood”, in the corner at Dolphin’s this weekend, since naming things after yourself is one of the perks of being a regular.
Guys, do NOT go to Dolpin’s on the weekend if you’re looking for a good time. Tourists really crammed the place, killed the sexy vibe, and hogged all the good girls. Fanny packs EVERYWHERE,...
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I can still kick Tebow’s ass.
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Uncomfy Deuce
Me (thinking on the john, nice and empty): This is nice.
(DOOR OPENS)
Me (thinking): Oh no.
(DUDE TAKES STALL NEXT TO ME, STARTS COVERING THE TOILET SEAT)
Me (thinking): There goes the neighborhood.
Stall Dude Next To Me: COUGH.
Me (thinking): God I just want access to that private executive bathroom.
Stall Dude Next To Me: Adam? Hey, recognize your shoes. Those Bagel Fridays running through you, too? I felt like I was sitting on a rocket ship ready to launch. GO FOR LAUNCH.
Me (thinking): How does Montez know what my shoes look like?
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Kicked Out Of The Park
The scene of the crime.
Really nice out today so I decided to catch some rays at the park near work. I didn’t want to get my shirt dirty, and I wanted a tan so I did the sensible thing and took my shirt off. I also did a few sets of chin ups on the jungle gym so I could get the swolls and vascularity going in case any babes were checking me out.
No babes ended up checking me out, but...
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paigeinflorida asked: 1. I'm so excited about your take-out-Tebow plan, I'm about to piss myself. His face is NOT an awesome face. It's an anger inducing, vomit producing, gaping shithole in the middle of his face, face. 2. Consider me your one-stop-shop party planner for this victory. 3. Speaking of blue cheese, Gorgonzola pairs REALLY well with prosciutto.
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Waymond's Gassy
I don’t know what Waymond ate for lunch today (it was something he brought from home), but the entire office is paying the price. I don’t even sit all that close to him and I have my shirt over my nose. Might complain to Cool Eric in HR if things get any worse.
trfyth asked: How about we go on down to the pasture and punch some horses? (if you know what i mean)
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Goal: Become A Regular At Dolphin's Strip Club
As I stated above, my new goal is to become a regular at Dolphin’s - the local strip club. This might involve a lot of solo trips, which Ders told me is really creepy, but I think it’s gonna pay off big time. I think that by doing this I’ll get to know all the ladies there, and the bouncers, DJ, and the owner - all of whom are undoubtedly the kind of people I want to have in my...
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Motorcycle Accident
Went into the Harley Davidson store today, like I do every 3 - 4 months to check out some of the new bikes. Was looking at the Softails (my personal fave) when this really smoking hot babe walked in (blonde, tattooed, no bullshit) and literally took my breath away.
I was so distracted that I ended up walking into one of the motorcycles and knocking it over. It made a really loud crash and...
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The Ders Report: HOLMVIK INTERNATIONAL PLAYAS... →
andersholmvik:
Locked out of your sport?
Play basketball?
Then contact me—
—about playing in the inaugural HOLMVIK INTERNATIONAL PLAYAS TOURNAMENT!
The HIPT (or, “Hip T” as it should be known on the street) gives locked out NBA players a chance to showcase their skills for the international…
Ders, I want in. I’ll be either the cool commentator guy, or coach a team of my...
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@TELAMERICORP
@TELAMERICORP, the twitter feed I started for Alice and the company, is going OK, but it’s not the explosion I thought it would be. Have narrowed down reasons why to these facts—
Saying it’s Alice, but it’s really me, so I think the male voice of a lot of the twits throws dudes trolling for strange off
We don’t accept calls in, but only make calls out, so the...
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Flu Shot - You Wish!
Ders is telling me that we are getting “mandatory” flu shots on the way home. Who does he think he is? First he refuses to help me stock up on ketchup supplies and now he’s telling me that I have to “get vaccinated.” Hasn’t he ever seen that video of that cheerleader who got all messed up from a flu shot?
I for one am NOT letting him or any Walgreens employee...
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Ketchup Plans Delayed (For Now)
Didn’t quite dominate the gourmet ketchup game as I’d planned to do this weekend. I ended up eating the majority of Ders’ prosciutto while he was out getting a haircut, which led to him refusing to give me a ride to Costco where I was gonna stock up on ketchup ingredients (and jars and labels). So that dream is on hold for the time being.
Instead I did some research online and...
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Bob Dylan Cover Band!
The I Pity The Poor Immigrants, Rancho Cucamonga’s premier Bob Dylan cover band, are playing at Black Bear tonight. I definitely have a few requests - actually I’m just going to request “Hurricane” a bunch of times because that song totally rocks.
The drummer, Ed, used to work on Ders’ volvo, but they kind of had a falling out. Hopefully tonight they can patch...
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Fuck, it’s not getting any better. I’m coming to terms that I’ll never read Moneyball. I’m just gonna surf Facebook photos for old slutty Halloween costumes and work on convincing Ders to jam out early.
Lost all faith in Clint, too.
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Cash Back
OK, just talked to Clint, who took Moneyball out of the trash, and apparently he felt the same way when he first tried to read it. It’s still not about a heist, but it does get better once you get past all the stat-stuff, he swears by it.
I trust Clint’s opinion more than Ders at this point, too, since he let me bum a smoke off him on the back balcony last Tuesday. I don’t...
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SNOOZE!
Apparently, Moneyball is about baseball statistics? And not some heist planned around a baseball team like the trailer suggests? I feel ripped off.
I got 14 pages in and just bailed.
localstonerfriend-deactivated20 asked: I wouldn't be to mad at Norv Turner, he unlike you needed that p90x, and just to prove you're a generous man you denied him the ass kicking of his life right then and there, and the obvious reason he didn't see you when you were getting in line was because his whole career was a joke so when ever he goes out in public its like a walk of shame. Tebow on the other hand needs A little...
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New Crush: Young Debbie Harry
Been in kind of a funk recently and last night I decided to watch some TV and just reflect about love and romance, as I sometimes do. Some show about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame came on and the band Blondie was there to receive some award or something and I tell you, I could not take my eyes off their singer, my new crush, Deborah Harry.
As soon as I saw her I got the laptop out and did a...
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